Unexpected: Baseball Coach Edition

Coaching = Parenting x 12

baseballThis is my fourth year as a baseball coach for my son’s team, which means that this is my fourth year of marveling at the things that have to come out of my mouth as the resident authority figure. I try very hard to not let them see that what I really want to scream is “What the **** are you doing? Stop that!”

This includes, but is not limited to:

  • “Get your finger out of his nose.”
  • “Stop hitting yourself in the crotch with your helmet.”
  • “Bats are not lightsabers.”
  • “No one wants to hear about your giant poop.”
  • “No, we don’t want to hear how many nicknames you know for your penis.”
  • “His head is not a drum, and bats are not drumsticks.”
  • “No, we don’t want to hear how many nicknames you know for your testicles, either.”
  • “Please stop saying ‘tits.'”
  • “No, we don’t want to smell your farts.”
  • “Are we here to play baseball or discuss Minecraft?”
  • “Keep your boogers to yourself. Get a tissue.”
  • “Stop chewing on your glove.”

If you’ve ever coached, taught or otherwise spent large amounts of time with little boys, please add your favorites to the list.

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2 Responses

  1. I know I’ve said many similar things to boys I’ve taught (and girls) but the one that stands out is working with special needs middle school boys and having to say “Hands above the desk!” on a semi-regular basis. Things they don’t tell you in teacher school. Puberty + total lack of social skills = Yikes.

  2. Alisa says:

    I don’t know if I should laugh or cringe.