Mother’s Day

An Apology to My Mother-in-Law

Stars GuillaumeI can’t deal with Mother’s Day. The onslaught of “Don’t forget Mom!” and “We know what Mom really wants!” emails and signs start in mid-April, and with each one I can feel myself curling into a tighter and tighter ball, that nerve rubbed raw by Mom Season, where at every turn I’m reminded that mine is gone

Admittedly, it’s made worse by the fact that she had her heart attack on Mother’s Day weekend, which forever binds the holiday with feelings of fear and loss and anxiety. And so I take deep breaths, offer a weak smile when someone wishes me a happy Mother’s Day, and try to make it to the other side without hiding in the corner and crying. Even though I’m a mother myself, it still feels like her holiday, not mine.

And I want to apologize to my Mother-in-Law for my feelings about Mother’s Day. Without her, I wouldn’t have the wonderful husband who’s stood beside me for nearly 20 years. She deserves better. But I can’t. I can’t look at Mother’s Day cards without feeling like the walls are closing in. I can’t shop for gifts without feeling that emptiness. And as a result, she gets screwed. I’m really sorry about that.

So what do I want this year? I want a little quiet time, away from everyone, where I can forget what day it is. I’d also like to┬ásleep in as long as I can (which is probably about 7:30, but still…). I’d like quiet reading time with a large glass of iced tea. And I’d like a long, hot, drought-be-damned shower where I can deep condition my hair, shave my legs and not have anyone appear in the bathroom for any sort of advice, consultation or permission. Yep, that’s what I want.

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